As it is.....the beginning

I have Agoraphobia, there I said it...

Just reading about any others like me is wonderful because when your isolated, not by choice but by chance your chances hold you back from life.  This book called Agorafabulous - Dispatches from my bedroom, written by Sara Benincasa is great. It made me laugh and cry and most importantly it made me feel like a human.

Isolation is what I do; it defines me now which I honestly never could have predicted for myself.  I was considered by others and myself as extroverted, life of the party, always willing to get out there and my future seemed destined to be crowded with things, happenings and people.  Destiny is fickle and often shaped like a child playing with playdoh and instead of making something she just throws the ball of dough against the wall and calls it quits.

I read and listen to books a lot.  I gaze out my window and watch the world go by. My children know that if they want mom they just look for me in one place, it’s easy, I’m in my bedroom.  They are so accepting of this life and me most of the time.  I am thankful because my family still does ask me to do things, even tho they know the answer will be no, at least they ask.  

It is a good time for Agoraphobiacs because on the internet you can be anyone you want and observe without being involved.  Not in a creepy way for me, just like the people that sit in the bleachers and watch the game and cheer from the sidelines is how it is for me.  
(Although there is no way in the world you would actually catch me in a stadium with all those people, good grief, no way)  But I am part of the team and am thankful my kids still let me participate in any way I can.  

I worry for their future tho, how do they explain me to their friends.  Hey guys, see that door, the one that is closed, well behind there is my mom.  If we need her all we have to do is go into her room, but don’t expect her to come out on her own cause she can’t. My daughter called my bedroom Narnia.  She said I was like in the movie when I would get up and leave the room and I would just disappear and not come back, I went to Narnia.  

It is an odd life, full of thoughts and dreams that I cannot fulfill.  That is what is so frustrating.  I am proud tho because lately I have been leaving my bedroom door open (when people are home).  It is so hard, but I’m doing it. Go me, right.

So in this blog I will try to give a little of myself to anyone who wants to read it.  I will try to make you laugh, not cry - but, I cannot guarantee anything because I laugh and cry every day and often it is over nothing that makes any sense.  

So, as it is……..future